What I’m learning about being confidently alone

Eleven months ago, at 29, I left a six-year relationship. It was by far the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. It was something I desperately didn’t want –­­ and not because I didn’t want to leave the man* I was with — which is the saddest part…

I fought against the break up for a long time, trying to shush my gut instinct, because I wanted so badly for this to be ‘it’, I wanted him to be ‘the one’. Why? Because I was terrified at the thought of being alone. All around me friends were getting engaged, getting married, and I couldn’t imagine anything worse than being left on the shelf. I saw single women in their thirties and, honestly, I felt sorry for them. How could a woman of a certain age be by herself? I couldn’t think of anything worse…

Except, as it turns out, there was something worse, WAY worse: being in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship because you’re too afraid to be on your own. Being tortured by inescapable thoughts about whether this is right or not, day and night, day in, day out.

Until, finally, one fateful night, I couldn’t shut my demons up any longer. Things came to blows and I had an out-of-body experience where I saw my relationship for what is was and what I had become: a sad shell of a woman who was too scared to hope that there could be something better out there, be that another relationship or, heaven forbid, being alone. The following morning we crossed that invisible line, said our final farewell, and I left. And truthfully, I’ve never looked back.

The following weeks were typically hard, sure; there were tears, flash moments where I questioned if I’d made the right decision. But they didn’t last long. Overwhelmingly, I felt relieved. Not just to be out of what was, on reflection, a toxic and draining environment, but, more importantly, relieved at myself for having the courage to make a break for it. In the weeks after, people kept saying ‘you’re so brave’. I found this bizarre. Why was it brave? It’s because, I suspect, some people don’t make the choice to leave. They stay in sub-par relationships because the idea of ending up alone is to too scary to face. Now I know people have their reasons — and I’m speaking here specifically about people who are BC (Before Children). But, ultimately, I wonder if they think they’re not worthy of something better, and so they’re too scared of ripping the plaster off and facing the daunting alternative: being single.

In the months after the break up I began to feel stronger. I started to see the opportunities this new chapter presented. Things were looking up: I was no longer walking on eggshells or feeling criticised for simply being myself. I could just “do me”. I was beginning to work out who “me” was and what “she” wanted. I can’t lie, there were tough times: going back alone after one of the string of weddings that summer, not having my “person” to text on a night out. But there were fucking great times too… fun encounters in “foreign” fields, new friends, nights out with girlfriends, the list goes on.

The good times kept coming and so did the blips. And I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that they have generally been boy related. Because although I’ve been enjoying getting my Beyonce on, deep down, I am still searching for that special someone to share my life with, and look on longingly at those who have found them. My fundamental raison d’être is connecting and, honestly, there’s no more special a connection than the one you share with the person you choose to spend your life with. When things are good, nothing beats that feeling of love and belonging. That said, you can’t fake that feeling either and when you’re in a trying relationship you have to ask yourself, how much of that are you really getting anyway (or are you just kidding yourself)?

So, what are the key things that I’ve learnt during my recent reawakening? Here, I’ll tell you:

1. Living (and sleeping) alone is a gift

Since the break up, I have been lucky enough to have the chance to live by myself in an incredible flat (maybe that’s why I’m going all Carrie Bradshaw!). As someone who would describe themselves as violently extroverted, I’ve always worried I’d get lonely. But, it turns out, it’s literal bliss! Having a sanctuary that is just yours, where you can escape from it all and be you is just the most wonderful feeling. Selfishly, you can have everything as you want it: eat what you want, listen to what you want, do whatever you want. When you choose to spend your life with someone, it’s about compromising: ‘whose house are we staying at tonight?’, ‘what do you want to watch on Netlfix?’… but when you live alone, you get to choose everything and do whatever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want.

And on sleeping alone: firstly, it’s worth saying that there was nothing I loved more than sharing a bed with N… spooning is one of life’s joys, and boy, did we spoon good. But what I didn’t realise is that when you sleep with someone else, you’re constantly thinking about someone else too. Is their arm dead? Will they wake up if I turn over? When you sleep alone, you can starfish across the whole bed, cocoon yourself in your duvet and not have to worry about anyone else. Whoever I go on to share a bed with full-time again will have to be bloody worth it!

2. Best-friend renaissance

It’s an obvious thing to say, but now I no longer share my life with someone else, I have a lot more time on my hands. I get to hang out far more with my nearest and dearest, which has been phenomenal. And there’s one person in particular, G, with whom I’ve enjoyed a super-charged best-friend renaissance. We’ve been bezzies since day and always super close. But now she’s my “person” — I call her when I’ve had a shitty day, when I’m anxious, or when I just need a chat. And vice versa. We’ve had the unique opportunity to go back to our teenage years and become closer than we could ever have hoped in a way we’d never have been able to if we were still in relationships.

3. Life is about active choices

We don’t always have a choice about what happens to us. We can’t control the extraneous. But there’s a lot that’s within our control too, and it’s our responsibility to make the best choices possible to enable our success. We choose how to spend our time and who to spend it with. So make wise choices. Choices that are productive, constructive, nurturing… don’t settle for anything that isn’t a positive influence on your life.

4. Boys can be shit

It goes without saying, boys are notoriously shit. They fuck up, they let you down, they don’t text you back… the list goes on (and on). They’re tricky characters (as, might I add, are we). But there are diamonds too. When it all goes tits up (or it stalls, hiccups or never starts), it can challenge your faith that your “person” is still out there. It gets frustrating, ‘where is he and won’t he come the fuck on?’. But, in those moments, you’ve just got to dust yourself off, and remember that if it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it’s not, get on with washing that boy out of your hair.

5. You might never get this time back

Lastly, it’s key to remember that any time that you feel sad about being single and you’re hoping that one of these days it will all be over…it will be. When the time is right, you’ll meet the man you’ve been holding out for. And then there’ll be no more first kisses, no more first dates, one-night stands, or fuck buddies, because, all being well, this is “it” and you’ll be happily compromising with this person for the rest of your life.

So, with that in mind, you better make the most of being single while you still can, right?

*I have to add here that ‘the man’ is a wonderful specimen of a human-being — funny, kind, thoughtful, beautiful — we just weren’t the right people for each other, and so we didn’t make one another happy enough. It took us seven years to finally break up because there was still so much good stuff going for us. For all the amazing times, I’m incredibly grateful and will treasure them forever.