What it’s like to have High Functioning Anxiety
Are you a persistent over-achiever (sometimes to your detriment)?
Do you take on new things even when your plate is already full?
Is your mind ‘always on’ and racing?
Is it important for you to feel hyper-organised and ‘on it’?
Would you describe yourself as a perfectionist and find feeling out of control really difficult?
Are you a people pleaser who goes out of their way to help others and struggles to say no?
I’ve experienced anxiety all my adult life. It’s been bad enough often enough that I previously thought I had mild, to at times moderate, Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)…
Recently, I realised that this wasn’t quite the right fit when I instantly resonated with a specific label (and symptoms) for a sub-type of anxiety called “High-Functioning Anxiety.”
Adapted from Richard Tyler’s High Functioning Anxiety webinar.
High-Functioning Anxiety (HFA) is not an officially recognised mental health condition yet, like GAD or Depression. Perhaps partly because of how it practically manifests…
Outwardly, someone with HFA might appear to be – as it says on the tin – high-functioning.
To the external eye, those living with HFA often look like they’re succeeding at life e.g., they’re extremely productive, go-getting and might be considered high-fliers.
However, before you think this is a self-congratulatory twat kind of self-diagnosis, let me explain how this apparently “high-functioning” anxiety can feel on the inside, which is anything but functional…
You know your ‘fight or flight’ response? The instinct of someone with HFA is to eternally fight. We live in a state of fearfulness that propels us to act vs. freeze. Imagine constantly feeling like you’re fighting to protect yourself, often from an invisible, self-perpetuating enemy?
To the outside world, someone with HFA might also seem highly confident. Take me…I’m a massive extrovert who loves public speaking and consistently pushes myself out of my comfort zone. But appearances can be deceiving.
I should mention that our mental health operates on a changeable spectrum and people experience the impacts differently. Some of its in our genes, other things are learned, and it can be situational. Some weeks and months I feel less affected by HFA, but I always feel it, even if sometimes it’s tendencies are more manageable .
Let me tell you about my experience when I’m struggling, like I was last month…
When in a ‘bad place’, I feel continuously on edge with nervous energy.
Physically, my stomach lurches all the time (which is literally blood diverting away from my stomach in response to being in ‘fight or flight’ mode).
Even in these moments, I can appear and feel ‘confident’ i.e., trusting of myself and abilities. But that doesn’t always equate to self-esteem i.e. accepting and liking who I am.
As I’m beginning to understand, my HFA is a symptom of a deeper cognitive dissonance with what I think of myself. It has become one of my coping mechanisms for this inner struggle…
When powering through my to-do list achieving things, this releases the motivating neurochemical dopamine (the reward hormone) so I feel good about myself. Some of this is normal and natural – we need this drive to make progress.
Unfortunately, it can become problematic for me because I’ve become overly reliant, you could say needy, of it. I need to be ‘doing all the things’ to feel worthy and ‘covering all the bases’ to feel safe, driving my HFA.
“Maybe, if I’m successful in my career, go out of my way for people, give everything, have more Instagram followers etc etc, that means I’m an okay person, people will like me, and I can prevent bad things from happening?”
Yep, this shit runs deep, way deep.
Whilst I am predisposed to mental health challenges based on my ancestry, my anxiety is also symptomatic of a shaky self-concept that has developed insidiously and subconsciously since childhood.
Thanks to years of personal development and the high level of self-awareness this has helped me to have, I understand that this tension exists, and I have an idea about where it comes from.
Despite this, I am all too often plagued by the negative impacts of it on my experience of life.
That’s why I’ve decided to go back into psychotherapy. This is a big financial stretch, but I feel fortunate to have the means to invest in it. It’ll be money well spent if it helps me to more fully explore these existential feelings on a journey to find a more peaceful inner self.
If this piece has resonated for you, I should make clear that I am not a mental health expert. Please take these musings as personal reflection on how I experience mental health rather than advice or a diagnosis.
If you are finding it difficult to cope with your mental health, please seek professional help or consult a body like Mind.
For those seeking to reflect further on their experience of HFA, here are some questions to contemplate that might help you to explore yourself further:
What does your experience of HFA look like – how does it manifest for you both practically and internally?
Why might you experience HFA – what could be driving this experience for you?
What is your sense of self like – could your HFA be symbolic of deeper tensions related to self-esteem?