Why it’s dangerous to confuse showing off with pride

I’ve got a serious bone to pick with Claudia Winkleman.

I’ve long thought that we don’t see eye to eye…for starters, I can’t comprehend how anyone can tolerate such a long fringe that it must get in your eyes, and I’ve not been able deal with smudgy eyeliner since I was a teenager. So yeah, the pun above is intended and we weren’t off to a good start*.

Claudia’s article in The Sunday Times a few weeks ago has really put a bee in my bonnet by mocking and vilifying everyday peoples use of Instagram. She basically says that no one cares about our trivial lives, and that we’re only posting to, and I quote, “elicit envy,” and to show off. Apparently, Claudia is above all that.

The piece was intended to be inflammatory, with the disclaimer: “this may be the most unpopular column I have ever written”. She knew she was being contrarian, perhaps her editor asked her to up the ante. Well, Claudia, kudos, ‘cos you got me.

So, here’s a few things which she said that I find to be misinformed and, quite frankly, dangerous, and here’s why;

1. “Instagram is simply showing off. It’s “look at me!”; it’s, “Isn’t life fantastic?”; it’s, “I can’t believe how great I look!”” [it goes on…]

I fundamentally disagree that posting on social media is so narcissistic. Yes, it’s a way to share moments of pride, joy and importance in your life — but where’s the harm in choosing to celebrate and acknowledge publicly? To be “vocally” proud and appreciative of the good things in your life, be it an Aperol Spritz on a spring day or “an amazing lunch with friends and family,” is a very healthy attribute…it shows that you can reflect and recognise the ways in which you are fortunate, and you’re enjoying life, which is no bad thing. Appreciative people are happy people.

There are also plenty of people who use their Instagram posts to share much more than just their saccharine “how great is my life” moments. For example, a friend who recently lost a parent dedicated a most beautiful post to her late father. Some friends use it to share their creative work or to raise money for charity. Others embrace it as a way to reach out to people around them and share their vulnerabilities.

From my experience, people are engaging in social media for far more “worthy” reasons than just “so others ooh and ahh”.

2. “[when posting]…You might as well bark at the moon or throw a sock into space….you’re screaming, you’re yelling, you’re star-jumping at the very few.”

So what that you’re not talking to a gazillion people (not all of us have a weekly column!)? I have a grand total of 431 people who “subscribe” to my updates, the majority of whom are friends and people that I know. Dare I say it, they do “give a shit” about me and what I have to say — they want and choose to know what’s going on in my life. I’m not screaming or yelling at them, they’re voluntarily sharing my journey. I follow 600+ people for a multitude of reasons, be it because they are my friends, people I admire in some way, people who post beautiful things that I like to look at. And they too are choosing to share their moments with me, offering a glimpse in to their world. It’s not “spying” as Claudia describe — it’s a voluntary and mutual connection exchange.

And why’s this important? Because the world is a scary place. And the more that we know and can see each other in “real life”, the more we learn, understand and hopefully accept people for who they are. Social media is great medium for normalising trends, political engagement and ultimately connection with other human beings. The benefits of more authentic sharing and caring between people far outweigh its risks.

3. “The problem with Instagram is why would you want to elicit envy?”

I don’t know about you, but when I post I don’t think; “I hope this post makes other people jealous”. No, I think; “I’ve got something that I want to share with the world to people who may or may not care.” And, alright, I do also wonder how many likes it’s going to get. But who actually wants to “elicit envy” — crikey, I don’t think I’m that fucking important and I’m sure as fuck not that mean?! Implying that people who publicly celebrate and share things in their lives are doing so with the expressed and premeditated intention of making others jealous is inaccurate, and I’ve got more faith in humanity that that.

And in stating that, you subsequently infer that the people who follow those post are therefore jealous. Sure, when I see my friend in the British Airways First Class lounge, I’m like; “fuck, you lucky sod, I wish I got to experience that!” Ok, I’m envious. Guilty as charged. But I maintain that this is meant in a “nice way” as, at the same time I’m also thinking; “I’m happy that you get to enjoy that and I’m happy to share in the moment with you”. I am glad that life is being good to you, that you have things to be thankful for, be it an incredible sunset on a tropical beach somewhere or wailing your heart out at karaoke with your work colleagues. I am happy for you, not jealous.

One might wonder why Claudia’s piece has hit such a nerve with me…it’s because I’ve come to realise recently that I have a real chip on my shoulder about being perceived as a “show off,” the concept at the heart of her piece. The negative connotations of this stereotype are not the way many people would like to be thought of;

“A person who shows off (= behaves in a way intended to attract attention that other people often find annoying).” Cambridge Dictionary, 2018

“To behave in an ostentatiously skilled and assured way with the intention of impressing others.” Urban Dictionary, 2018

“Boastfully display one’s abilities or accomplishments.” Google, 2018

Annoying. Ostentatiously skilled and assured. Boastful. OUCH — that’s what I think people think of me?

I have internalised these fears for years by worrying that people think I am a show off. And I’m ashamed to admit it, but if we’re being honest, there have been points in my life where I have been more like that. I was a pretty precocious and over-confident child, which lead to my Dad’s first brandishing of the term towards me. I don’t know that I was any more “showy” than most under tens, maybe I was, I can’t really say. But it’s amazing how malleable I was, which lead to a firmly held belief that just my natural behaviour is somehow showing off, something that’s stayed with me to the present day. It reminds me of the Philip Larkin poem, “They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had. And add some extra, just for you.”

I was fortunate enough to have the discussion with my Dad recently about how his show off projections on to me have left some serious gremlins…as a naturally confident and outgoing person, I often feel that I need permission just to be myself, that just expressing me and being me is showing off. I now recognise that those thoughts come, in large part, from him labelling me a show off as a kid. Conversely, I also thanked him — there is definitely a dark side to the confidence coin that he made me aware of. Firstly, that you can be perceived by others as a show off (which we’ve established is not a nice way to be seen!). Plus, if you’re not careful, you can overshadow, be overbearing and hog the lime light. I’m grateful to be so strongly aware of those potentially negative attributes so I can do my damnedest to avoid them.

I am all too aware of the powerful negative consequences of being seen as show off from my time in senior school. I cringe to say it, but I was a bit of a “Queen Bee” by the age of 15, somewhat reminiscent of a Regina George style character from Mean Girls. I revelled in being the centre of attention, clamoured for the lime light and could be not very nice with it. Fortunately for me, like Regina, I had a monumental “cutting down to size.” It didn’t involve protein bars, but it did see every one of my friends abandon me, somewhat deservedly so, overnight. I literally went from hero to zero in seconds, and the subsequent six months were the most humbling of my life. I was truly blessed to be “taken in” by my primary school friends, whom I’d foolishly neglected by hanging out with the cool kids, the mean girls, and thankfully, as I rose from the ashes and rebuilt my life, I grew a new set of much kinder feathers and lifelong best friends.

So now you understand why I have such a violent aversion to being and being considered a show off. Claudia’s article majorly aggravated me as it implies that by just being oneself and publicly sharing moments, you are doing so with the active and malicious intent of showing off vs. simply being proud and wanting to share, which is my experience anyway.

I’ll close with one last thought, honing in on the definition of showing off as being “ostentatiously skilled and assured.” It is a fantastic thing for someone to know what they’re good at, where they excel, how they can impress, and embrace it in a considerate way. This is particularly important for women. In the world of Sheryl Sandburg, we should lean in to our strengths, not demonise those as show offs who are self-aware enough to know what they have to be proud of.

So, there you have it. Rant over.

*In researching for this piece, however, I did learn that Claudia’s the highest paid woman at the BBC. In the words of Ali G; “respect”.