Eight signposts you’re in an unhappy relationship

It was Good Friday last year that I eventually took the plunge and ended a seven-year relationship. That morning, after a huge blow out the night before, N finally conceded too that things were not good between us — we both irrecoverably saw and accepted what our relationship had become and that we just weren’t happy enough.

I can remember the distinct feeling of an invisible line being crossed when we broke up, which I can recall happening in all my significant uncouplings…something is said that cannot be unsaid, unknowing quite the significance or impact that it is going to have, and then the sands change — you’re not in the same place that you were in just minutes before. It is over, and there is no turning back.

I also remember, vividly, the final farewell — it will be forever imprinted on my memory — the smell of you as we held each other deeply, knowing it was last time. The relationship before — the picture of you walking down the stairs as I watch helplessly on, tears streaming down my face. My first love — the sound of your sobs down the phone after telling you that I’ve met someone else.

And then there’s the subsequent feeling of total shock and numbness — it’s like you’re on auto-pilot aimlessly getting through, hour by hour. An earthquake has hit and things will not be the same again.

But, as the tremors settle, there’s a stillness and you can hear the faint chime of familiarity, like you knew it was coming. There had been tensions, unanswered questions, a scent brewing in the air for a while — you just weren’t sure about how it would materialise…

And then it does, and you’re like, fuck…I didn’t know it was going to happen like that. Exhale.

As I reflect, I see some tell-tale signs that this relationship wasn’t to be my happily ever after. With the beauty of hindsight, these things seem so obvious now, and it begs the question of why it took me so long to make the decision. It’s because things are not generally that binary, and the bad is speckled with plenty of “meaningful” good. Couple that with a distinct desire for this to be “it”, for this person to be “the one”, and it’s no wonder I tried desperately to keep my head in the sand for so long.

During that time, I spent many hours questioning my relationship and went in search of answers (often through articles like this on Medium!). It feels pertinent to publish this on Easter Sunday, I suppose writing it is like a resurrection of some kind — I understand what happened and have made sense of it — and have since “risen again.”

So, what are these signposts I speak of? Here, I’ll tell you…and if you can’t ask yourself these questions and hear a positive reply, I’d be so bold as to say that perhaps you might want to reconsider whether there’s a happier option out there. And if you can, then lucky you — you’ve hit the jackpot and I for one am jealous (in a nice way!). God speed, and into the sunset you go…

1. Do you spend more time worrying about your relationship than being happy about it?

By the end of my last relationship, I would describe myself as being tormented — I was relentlessly imprisoned by doubting thoughts about whether this was right or not, night and day, day in, day out. It frightens me to think about how much time I spent dogged by these shadows. It was relentless, they became inescapable. Of course, I know that no relationship is perfect, and it’s normal to have moments of doubt, or post-argument blues, sure, I’m not that naive. But I would say that if you spend more than 50% of your time worrying or being upset about your relationship, then that’s too much, and you’ve got to ask yourself — is this really making me happy?

2. Are they a “drainer” or a “radiator”?

It’s a big, bad world out there. It’s tough enough without having people around you who bring you down. You might not be able to choose your work colleagues, or family, but you can choose your significant other. So, choose wisely. Does this person build you up? Are they supportive and do they encourage you to fulfil your dreams? Or are your values misaligned, meaning there is tension and you end up clashing and being critical? Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally and think the sun shines out of your arse, vs. living in a situation in which you can’t help but attack each other because different things are important to each of you. I know now that I am looking for someone who brings out the best in me and helps me to become the best version of myself. I’m searching for somebody who loves me like my friends love me and quite frankly, thinks I’m the dog’s bollocks.

3. Do they love you for you, and do you love them for them?

Building on the above, if someone doesn’t value you for what you bring to the table, you have to ask yourself — do they love the person that you are? People grow and change throughout the course of life…does your partner love you for who you are now (and not the person you were when you first fell in love) and vice versa? Or are there fundamental differences between each of you and your values that make staying together untenable? Do you both actively cherish the person that sits before you today and what they stand for?

4. Can you see ‘happily ever after’ with them?

Two years ago I came across an article that really resonated with me called ‘The Marriage Decision.’ It’s from the guys at Wait But Why and encourages the use of thought experiments….it basically means playing out scenarios in your head and imagining what they would look like. For example, how would I be feeling on the night before my wedding to this person — would I feel confident? Or, how would we be with each other after months of no sleep, shitty nappies and a screaming baby — would we still be a team? When I talk about ‘happily ever after’ I’m referring to “real” life, when the shit hits the fan and times are hard. Ask yourself — what does my future look like with this person? Is it going to be happy, nurturing, fulfilling — will we weather the storms together?

5. Do our lives fit together?

Do you enjoy doing the same things? Do you like each other’s friends and enjoy hanging out together? Do you find time for each other, whilst also having your own lives too? If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person, your lives should happily intertwine, and you’re prepared to compromise because “the juice is worth the squeeze” and you want to be with this person above all other things. Whatever you have to do to make it work, and whatever you end up doing, it’ll be worth it because you’re together. And at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.

6. What are you in this for?

When you have your doubts, ask yourself — “why am I doing this?” If the prevailing message coming back is, “because I love this person, they are good for me and good to me and I don’t want to imagine a world without them”, then bingo, keep going, keep persevering. But if the reasons that you are still in this relationship are misaligned with the concept of “true love” e.g. “because I don’t want to end up alone”, “because I’m worried about how they will cope”, “what will we do with the cat”, then you’ve got to be honest with yourself and question whether that’s really a good enough reason.

7. Do they want you?

It’s no good being in a one-sided relationship, where one person is doing all of the work, whilst the other one gets to have their cake and eat it too. You deserve someone who worships the ground you walk on and makes you feel like a million dollars. They show their love for you every day through the little and big things. They make an effort to make you feel loved and appreciated. You shouldn’t have to run after them like a love-sick puppy begging for scraps — they need to come to the table too.

8. Do you wonder if ‘it’ gets better than this?

The night before N and I broke up, I had dinner with G and said; “I’m 7 out of 10 happy — is it too much to ask to be a 9 or a 10?”. Ultimately, I don’t think that it is. I’m not saying is that it’s not ok to have downs sometimes — you don’t have to be a 10 all the fucking time. But life’s too short not to be an 8.5 and above for most of the time, isn’t it?! Isn’t that worth trying to find, worth holding out for?

Well, I hope so, ‘cos that’s what I’m banking on. And as I press send, I’m pleased to be able to say that “Single Alice” is a solid 9….